Skip to main content

Subscribe

Narcissists Can Get Enmeshed in their Family of Origin

Narcissists Can Get Enmeshed in their Family of Origin


Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash

Often, you’ll hear of people talking about their narcissistic mate and how tied that person was to their family. There is some irony in the fact that they bend over backwards for the very people that made them narcissists. Their lives are significantly broken and they seem to have no loyalty to anyone except that family of origin.

A decade ago I dated a woman who was professionally diagnosed with NPD. She was plagued by a shadow that she couldn’t come out from under which, affected every aspect of her life in very big ways. The shadow was the shadow of her father as she still feared his disapproval so much as an adult, she arranged her life around it.

She grew up in a wealthy family where the parents displayed no real empathy, no real love, no real closeness — just high expectations, constant put downs, and an unattainable standard that she will never be able to achieve.

The sad thing is — she was born inherently normal. Being subjected to the life she had been had given her the expectations that she should be the top tier executive type but with the toolset of someone who was perpetually in a state of PTSD like anxiety.

As an adult, everything revolved around her father’s approval. She wouldn’t date anyone that didn’t seem like they were on their way to being a successful millionaire entrepreneur, so she would pass on anyone that didn’t seem like they were hugely successful. Her father’s approval meant everything and when she didn’t meet the expectations of him she would nearly come apart. This is when you’d really see the NPD side of her kick in as she needed to offload the blame because the failure with the father’s expectations were too much for her to bare.

Another woman I dated was the same way with her mother. She was a grown adult who had done well and was successful but she absolutely refused to try to do any type of project on her own. She had zero confidence she could do it and when she did try something she would not rest until her mother said it was a good job.

So ingrained is the desire for approval from these hyper critical horrifically damaging parents, that as an adult they seemed like children when it came to thinking of facing the disapproval of their parent.

It’s a testament to the critical nature that the parents treat their children, it explains why they have to appear perfect and like they are flawless, and sadly is a pattern that they repeat with their children because they have no clue that what they are doing is extremely unhealthy for them and their family.

Labels:

Most Viewed This Year

Dark Psychology - Manipulation

  Dark Psychology There are many different psychological mechanisms that are  present in society on a daily basis.    These mechanism utilize a person's fears and their ability to interpret messages that their aggressor wishes for them to have.    Everywhere from the office to the club, to your very own home, you are subjected to various forms of manipulation from people.     Manipulation has a bad rap.    People believe that manipulation is a bad thing because of how it makes them feel when they find out that they have been manipulated.   People get upset because it makes them feel like a lesser person, like they have been victimized in some way, and often like they are not intelligent.    Manipulation can be used for good purposes however.    In the case of a newborn baby the very first thing it learns how to do in order to survive is to cry.    By crying they trigger their mother to come an...
View More Postings

What you need to know about Codependency

  What you need to know about Codependency Photo by Morgan Housel on Usplash Attachment Style Codependency roots from an attachment trauma that a child received in their early years. There are many different causes for attachment trauma ranging from neglect, to child abuse, to the main caregiver becoming ill or hurt, necessity for survival (working for food), to the baby itself being sick or in a lot of pain. Codependency typically accompanies an anxious style of attachment. It is the inverse of narcissism because the narcissists attachment trauma typically manifests itself in an avoidant attachment style. Once a child has an anxious attachment style — if they have any instability at home or some perceived threat to their security they will often move into a people pleaser role growing up. They will attempt to take care of the needs of their caregiver or to avert disturbing temper flares by catering to them and by being the good child at the beckon call of the parent. Arise my Peop...
View More Postings

How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically?

 How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically? Photo by  Warren  on  Unsplash I have a slightly different take on this one than most people. Usually, people believe that narcissists think that they're God's gift to the earth which they do create that aura around them. They do talk like they believe it and they do act like they believe it. So as a result, people believe that why narcissists react so horribly to the rejection of a romantic interest is because they cannot accept that somebody wouldn't want them. I believe it's the other way around. I believe that for the vast majority of narcissists their fear of rejection is rooted in their childhood. They are actually hurt when they're acting this way because it actually touches a core wound of theirs around rejection. It touches that wound around why they actually have low self-esteem and don't believe in themselves. This is the true route of why they can't let it go. The other ones ...
View More Postings

Crowd Favorites

Dark Psychology - Manipulation

  Dark Psychology There are many different psychological mechanisms that are  present in society on a daily basis.    These mechanism utilize a person's fears and their ability to interpret messages that their aggressor wishes for them to have.    Everywhere from the office to the club, to your very own home, you are subjected to various forms of manipulation from people.     Manipulation has a bad rap.    People believe that manipulation is a bad thing because of how it makes them feel when they find out that they have been manipulated.   People get upset because it makes them feel like a lesser person, like they have been victimized in some way, and often like they are not intelligent.    Manipulation can be used for good purposes however.    In the case of a newborn baby the very first thing it learns how to do in order to survive is to cry.    By crying they trigger their mother to come an...
View More Postings

Why is there an addiction to narcissistic partners?

Why is there an addiction to narcissistic partners? This is just my personal theory on the topic as I’ve thought a lot about variances of this question and my own situation. This is what I have come up with as to why:  Enmeshment - enmeshment often gets spoken about from the abusers perspective. Where they purposefully inject themselves into someone else's life and take control and influence over everything and using it as a means to isolate them from their supports. There is a different version of enmeshment that occurs with narcissism that has the narcissist get their significant other into all of the aspects within the narcissists life. So, they assign them duties and tasks that are integrated right into the narcissists life. These keep getting added on as the relationship continues and more and more of these aspects of the narcissists life becomes the significant others responsibility. It can get to the point where the significant other has no time at all for the things they...
View More Postings

What you need to know about Codependency

  What you need to know about Codependency Photo by Morgan Housel on Usplash Attachment Style Codependency roots from an attachment trauma that a child received in their early years. There are many different causes for attachment trauma ranging from neglect, to child abuse, to the main caregiver becoming ill or hurt, necessity for survival (working for food), to the baby itself being sick or in a lot of pain. Codependency typically accompanies an anxious style of attachment. It is the inverse of narcissism because the narcissists attachment trauma typically manifests itself in an avoidant attachment style. Once a child has an anxious attachment style — if they have any instability at home or some perceived threat to their security they will often move into a people pleaser role growing up. They will attempt to take care of the needs of their caregiver or to avert disturbing temper flares by catering to them and by being the good child at the beckon call of the parent. Arise my Peop...
View More Postings

How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically?

 How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically? Photo by  Warren  on  Unsplash I have a slightly different take on this one than most people. Usually, people believe that narcissists think that they're God's gift to the earth which they do create that aura around them. They do talk like they believe it and they do act like they believe it. So as a result, people believe that why narcissists react so horribly to the rejection of a romantic interest is because they cannot accept that somebody wouldn't want them. I believe it's the other way around. I believe that for the vast majority of narcissists their fear of rejection is rooted in their childhood. They are actually hurt when they're acting this way because it actually touches a core wound of theirs around rejection. It touches that wound around why they actually have low self-esteem and don't believe in themselves. This is the true route of why they can't let it go. The other ones ...
View More Postings

The Secret to Making It Work with a Covert Narcissist

  The Secret to Making It Work with a Covert Narcissist Photo by Randy Jacob on Unsplash If you are someone that is in love with your covert narcissist then there is one secret tactic that you’ll absolutely need to have in place if you are going to last any length of time with your self-esteem and self-worth intact. You love your narcissist. You love it when we make you feel special and you feel like you are elevated when you are with us. Like the two of us form an elite team that is better than everyone and you’re proud to be part of something so awesome that it makes you feel great. We have an energy and a presence when we enter into any room and it seems like people want to hear what we have to say - they seem value you a little more for some reason and it seems like they look up to us in some way because of our relationship.. It’s all very strange but somewhat intoxicating as well. Its the illusion that you buy into. The only problem is that Ineed to pick apart the things that ...
View More Postings

Acceptance: It is what it is

  Acceptance: It is what it is Photo by  Daniel Uvegård  on  Unsplash Betrayal. Betrayal is hard to accept. It’s hard to get past when you know what you’ve been through and you can’t articulate it in a way that really provides the weight of the gravity and a sense of the urgency that the situation truly should call for. You find out that no one cares what happened to you. No one cares how wrong it was, or how illegal it was. They just want you to shut up so they don’t have to hear about it. So you found yourself discriminated against, you were shunned, you were isolated, and were systematically picked apart by the very people that you should have been able to trust. Then, after it all if you try to explain it to anyone you’re further isolated by their invalidation and inability to understand the true magnitude of what you’d been through. It amounts to a total betrayal by everyone you knew and the idea of having to let it go and let those people get away with it is a ...
View More Postings

Narcissism: A Complete Summary

Narcissism: A Complete Summary Photo by  Vitaly Gariev  on  Unsplash A narcissist is someone who is grandiose and feels that they are larger than life. They have this feeling of being special or they need to affiliate with something that they find special or elite in order to feel like they have value. The have an entitlement which makes them think they are above the law and above the rules but that the rules still need to apply to everyone else. They view everything as a hierarchy and those that they view below them will be treated like total trash and they will believe that they can do as much damage to them as they want, as they see the person as a lower lifeform. Those that they view above themselves though, they will kiss their butt to remain in favor. Narcissists act arrogant and haughty all of the time so when they speak about something they will have some angle as to how it makes them ‘the best’ and they will do so overtly if they are the grandiose style narcissis...
View More Postings

Gaslighting - rewriting history by changing your memories

  Gaslighting — The Rewriting of History Photo by  Toa Heftiba  on  Unsplash I would suspect that if you are aware of gas lighting then you’re aware of how most abusers use it to try to get out of trouble and to try to flip the script so that you’re the one that is on defense. They try to make it so that they never have to feel that shame and they never have to be the bad guy. They can be the perpetual victim and they can always be the one telling the sob story for the sympathy hit, or they can be the justified avenger that finally had enough. In all cases you’re the bad guy and they are the good guy but, it’s petty enough and childish enough that it doesn’t really effect you, despite the annoyance of someone denying what you know to be true. True gaslighting is much more insidious than that. If you’re truly the target of someone with real malintent in mind then this person will sadistically try to break you down mentally and emotionally with the ultimate goal of com...
View More Postings

Are there other ways in which narcissistic rage manifests besides yelling and arguing?

 Are there other ways in which narcissistic rage manifests besides yelling and arguing? Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash Yes, the rage can manifest itself in the worst way imaginable. Silence. But oh no, not the silence you they use as punishment during a normal drag you down cycle. This one is special. In the immediate moments after a narcissistic injury is sustained and their emotions become dysregulated there can almost be a frantic grasping at reasons and connecting of events to outcomes that never even occurred all with the sole purpose of offloading as much fault and blame onto you as possible. Its almost like the shame meter hits a tipping point and there is an overspilling of shame that has to go somewhere so it is going to you. You will be blamed for things that you were not even present for and deals/agreements made will be completely spun another way to place you as a doer of wrongs. You might get told to never talk to them again or they will file a restraining order...
View More Postings

You are wrong about your narcissist

  You Are Wrong About Your Narcissist Photo by  Andrej Lišakov  on  Unsplash Psychologists will often not believe you if you tell them that your spouse is a narcissist for a couple reasons. The first is that people often don’t truly understand what a narcissist is, and the second is because people are often incorrect with their assessment despite knowing what narcissism is. People can’t diagnose their loved ones. The argument that people can’t diagnose family members roots from a couple of different places. Spouses have a conflict of interest and are too close to the situation to be able to objectively assess and diagnose. Comorbidity confuses people, so they make mistakes within their assessment due to their own lack of training. I actually used to get upset at the notion that significant others have no right to be assessing and diagnosing. I would say that I’m quite capable of identifying abuse and that I’m intelligent enough to be able to assess. However, after re...
View More Postings