The Big Mistakes With Teams
I’m going to explain something here so I don’t want anyone to take this personally as it’s not about anyone specific but it’s about a general observation I’ve had in my experience that could be something someone could learn from to prevent themselves from being misperceived. It revolves around the idea of someone telling a traumatic story about themselves and a second person hearing the story and feeling that it wasn’t that big of a deal due to either a lowered empathic response or some conflict that is present between the two individuals.
Sometimes in this situation the second person will invalidate the first person by comparing their situations. It often comes off as trying to assert that you are an expert on the human condition. When a person drills down to the root of the issue, often It is an attempt to invalidate anything else anyone has gone through by saying ‘well, I went through (insert situation here) so that means everyone else’s story that is less than that shouldn’t count or isn’t a big deal”
Why is this perceived as less than ideal?
If someone was that second person they might find that the most unhelpful and fastest way to discredit themselves is to comment on the validity of the person that is upset. The issue comes from the invalidation as a whole. The minute you present your case it does a couple of things. First the original person speaking will feel embarrassed. Second, they will feel shame and depending on what your story is if they compare the two and see yours is worse then the effect is going to be to pile shame onto them for daring feel bad about being wronged about their story. This is not a path to healing for them.
If the goal is to alienate, shut down that person and make them feel small then interjecting certainly will work but it will come with some costs to you as well. On the surface the people you tell your story to that are listening will seem like they agree with you. They may affirm that you’re right, that your story is worst but on the inside some will be thinking that you robbed the attention this other person was getting (and likely needed as part of their healing process) and put the spotlight on you, so they may flag you as an attention seeker, as someone who is insensitive to other people’s pain, and someone who was jealous of the sympathy the other person was receiving.
It would be a good time to do some soul searching rather than interjecting but look into yourself as to the motivating reason why you would want to interject right then. At first the idea that will pop in your head is that they had no reason to be upset so you corrected them. If you look deeper though you’ll likely find a couple of other truths in there that might be a bit inciteful towards your own motivations and actions.
If you can be honest with yourself you might find that you wanted some attention because you know how bad your story was and you have never properly felt validated for it back when it occurred so you feel compelled to shut down anyone else’s sympathy story that they had in order to make up for that lost compassion which you should have had long ago.
You might find that you feel somehow threatened by someone else having a sympathy story and people focusing that attention onto someone else. You might find that you feel unsafe because you aren't the focus and so it becomes about ensuring that safety stays in place by reaffirming your spot at the top. You might find that you have fused your identity with this tragic story and that you felt like it was a personal attack because your story is so important and so severe that it felt for a moment like this person was attacking your character or who you are at your core.
Whatever the reason is, when you look deep and find the root of those actions you can start to understand why you feel compelled in those circumstances the need to take a shot at that other person and invalidate them.
The consequences of doing so can often be severe in terms of popularity and in terms of how people see you in general. I’d suggest going easy on them and let them tell their story.
By remaining reserved and letting them tell their trauma story without comparing yours to them they get an important part of healing over with which is being validated so they can move on. Otherwise it can get stuck in them and they can get permanent grief or long term depression as the result of not processing this properly.
People in general would likely view any interjection, no matter how true the assertion is, they will; likely view it as attention seeking on your part which may invalidate you if they speak up about it thus causing you some more damage but more so, it could put you into an oppositional lighting where they see that they can’t speak their truth when you are around or you’ll pull out the ‘trauma card’ to shut them down and invalidate them.
Nothing good really comes from this situation as it will do your reputation some damage and cause a rift between you and this other person and anyone that takes their side. It creates a conflict where none needs to be created simply because of that knee jerk reaction to someone else expressing their story. It can make you seem unapproachable and someone that secrets need to be kept from so that they don’t get invalidated publicly by them.
A person could be right but the minute they speak this truth they become wrong in everyone’s eyes who are watching.
Just know that your tragedy is by far one of the worst that can occur. You know it, everyone that hears it knows it, there is no doubting that. It truly is horrific and there truly is no comparison.
It still doesn’t help that other person heal to make them feel small and weak at a time they are already vulnerable. It just could make an enemy out of a friend or at very least hurt someone that you care about or tolerate normally.